In my last post,
I began a discussion of lessons from the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High,” by
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. I wrote about
what constitutes a crucial conversation; how such conversations are typically
handled and why they tend to go poorly; and why it’s important to master the
skills involved in conducting crucial conversations successfully.
In this post, we’ll discuss the steps the authors posit are involved
in successful crucial conversations: steps that will help you create alignment
and agreement by fostering open dialogue around high-stakes, emotional, or
risky topics. As I suggested previously,
I strongly recommend you buy the book to gain a full understanding of each of
these steps—but this post will give you a sense of the power of the authors’
suggestions.
First, get unstuck. What kinds of conversations are getting you
stuck; that is, those that you find difficult to take part in successfully?
Crucial Conversations uses the acronym “CPR” to explain the three types of
conversations that can happen when an issue is discussed.
·
Content:
Conversations around content discuss the issue itself, and hopefully take place
as soon as a problem occurs. In a
discussion about content, try to find out why the problem occurred—and try to
reserve your judgments on the issue.
·
Pattern:
Pattern conversations discuss that the issue keeps recurring, and why that
happens.
·
Relationship:
Relationship conversations discuss how the issue is affecting your relationship
with the other party to the conversation.
Second, start with
heart. When you are discussing a problem,
start by examining your personal role.
Then take a step back, and focus on what you really want to do, or to have
happen. When you’re discussing options,
always look for ways to replace “either/or” thinking, in which you have to
choose between one side or another, with “and” options, where you search for
more creative and productive options.
Third, learn to look. Look for the moment when an ordinary
conversation becomes a crucial one (one in which the stakes are high, emotions
are strong, and opinions differ), and when the dialogue is in danger of closing
down. Look for silences, which could
mean one party is masking his or her feelings, avoiding dealing with the
problem, or withdrawing from dealing with it.
And learn to look for your own conversational style when you are
stressed—the style you naturally revert to when crucial conversations start
getting tense. Being aware of how you
behave will help you guard against your worst tendencies in such situations.
Fourth, make it safe. A safe conversation is one in which the other
person knows that you care about their interests—and that you respect
them. When it’s appropriate, apologize. And create what the authors call a “mutual
purpose” by assuring others you care about their best interest and goals. In crucial conversations, the authors believe
that, more often than not, goals are compatible—only strategies are opposing.
Fifth, master my
stories. Mastering your stories
means continuing the dialogue, even when you’re angry or hurt. People often tell themselves “stories” to
help them determine their responses to situations, and the stories create the
emotion they feel. Sometimes, they are
the victim in those stories, and exaggerate their own innocence. Sometimes, they make the other party out to
be a villain, and overemphasize their guilt.
And sometimes, they perceive themselves as helpless—powerless to do
anything healthy or helpful. Try to take
control of these stories, the authors suggest, so they won’t control you. Don’t confuse stories with facts. And tell the rest of the story, in order to
get closer to the truth.
Sixth, STATE my path. STATE is another acronym that Crucial Conversations uses to help you
remember how to act during such conversations. It stands for:
·
Share
your facts
·
Tell
your story
·
Ask
for others paths
·
Talk
tentatively
·
Encourage
testing.
In all cases, the authors state, speak persuasively, not
abrasively.
Seventh, explore others’
paths. Look to understand the
emotions, thoughts, and experiences of the other party to the
conversation. Try to move away from
harsh feelings and knee-jerk reactions, and towards the root causes of those
feelings and reactions. And be curious. When others appear to be stubborn or acting
strangely, try to figure out why a reasonable, rational, and decent person
think or feel this way?
Finally, move to action. The ultimate goal of any crucial conversation
is to identify and take appropriate actions.
If action is not taken, the conversation will eventually lead to
disappointment and hard feelings. Once a
plan of action is decided, agree on when and how follow-up will occur, and
document who does what by when—and follow through!
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