Crucial Conversations (Part II)

by Seth Sinclair

In my last post, I began a discussion of lessons from the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High,” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. I wrote about what constitutes a crucial conversation; how such conversations are typically handled and why they tend to go poorly; and why it’s important to master the skills involved in conducting crucial conversations successfully.

In this post, we’ll discuss the steps the authors posit are involved in successful crucial conversations: steps that will help you create alignment and agreement by fostering open dialogue around high-stakes, emotional, or risky topics.  As I suggested previously, I strongly recommend you buy the book to gain a full understanding of each of these steps—but this post will give you a sense of the power of the authors’ suggestions.

First, get unstuck.  What kinds of conversations are getting you stuck; that is, those that you find difficult to take part in successfully? Crucial Conversations uses the acronym “CPR” to explain the three types of conversations that can happen when an issue is discussed.

·      Content: Conversations around content discuss the issue itself, and hopefully take place as soon as a problem occurs.  In a discussion about content, try to find out why the problem occurred—and try to reserve your judgments on the issue.

·      Pattern: Pattern conversations discuss that the issue keeps recurring, and why that happens.

·      Relationship: Relationship conversations discuss how the issue is affecting your relationship with the other party to the conversation.

Second, start with heart.  When you are discussing a problem, start by examining your personal role.  Then take a step back, and focus on what you really want to do, or to have happen.  When you’re discussing options, always look for ways to replace “either/or” thinking, in which you have to choose between one side or another, with “and” options, where you search for more creative and productive options.

Third, learn to look.  Look for the moment when an ordinary conversation becomes a crucial one (one in which the stakes are high, emotions are strong, and opinions differ), and when the dialogue is in danger of closing down.  Look for silences, which could mean one party is masking his or her feelings, avoiding dealing with the problem, or withdrawing from dealing with it.  And learn to look for your own conversational style when you are stressed—the style you naturally revert to when crucial conversations start getting tense.  Being aware of how you behave will help you guard against your worst tendencies in such situations.

Fourth, make it safe.  A safe conversation is one in which the other person knows that you care about their interests—and that you respect them.  When it’s appropriate, apologize.  And create what the authors call a “mutual purpose” by assuring others you care about their best interest and goals.  In crucial conversations, the authors believe that, more often than not, goals are compatible—only strategies are opposing.

Fifth, master my stories.  Mastering your stories means continuing the dialogue, even when you’re angry or hurt.  People often tell themselves “stories” to help them determine their responses to situations, and the stories create the emotion they feel.  Sometimes, they are the victim in those stories, and exaggerate their own innocence.  Sometimes, they make the other party out to be a villain, and overemphasize their guilt.  And sometimes, they perceive themselves as helpless—powerless to do anything healthy or helpful.  Try to take control of these stories, the authors suggest, so they won’t control you.  Don’t confuse stories with facts.  And tell the rest of the story, in order to get closer to the truth.

Sixth, STATE my path.  STATE is another acronym that Crucial Conversations uses to help you remember how to act during such conversations. It stands for:

·      Share your facts

·      Tell your story

·      Ask for others paths

·      Talk tentatively

·      Encourage testing.

In all cases, the authors state, speak persuasively, not abrasively.

Seventh, explore others’ paths.  Look to understand the emotions, thoughts, and experiences of the other party to the conversation.  Try to move away from harsh feelings and knee-jerk reactions, and towards the root causes of those feelings and reactions.  And be curious.  When others appear to be stubborn or acting strangely, try to figure out why a reasonable, rational, and decent person think or feel this way?

Finally, move to action.  The ultimate goal of any crucial conversation is to identify and take appropriate actions.  If action is not taken, the conversation will eventually lead to disappointment and hard feelings.  Once a plan of action is decided, agree on when and how follow-up will occur, and document who does what by when—and follow through!

Crucial Conversations (Part 1)

by Seth Sinclair

In 2002, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler published the first edition of their landmark book, “Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high.”  Since then, the book has been revised once (in 2012), has sold more than 2 million copies, and has been translated into 28 languages.  It is regularly listed among the most popular business books available anywhere.

The authors have written that they didn’t set out to write a book on communication.  Instead, they were researching the behaviors of high performing managers.  They found that, most of the time, these high performers were indistinguishable from their peers—but as soon as the stakes were high, emotions were strong, and opinions differed, top performers were significantly more effective than others.

When those conditions exist, the authors believe, learning to speak up effectively in conversations helps managers, or anyone, to achieve the results they are after.  These conversations are no longer typical, but become crucial.  Crucial conversations are common both in work situations and at home. 

Some examples of crucial conversations include ending a relationship; asking a friend to repay a loan; providing feedback to your boss on his or her behavior; critiquing a colleague’s work; talking to a team member who isn’t keeping his or her commitments; and talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources.

There are three ways in which crucial conversations are usually handled; they are avoided, faced and handled poorly, or faced and handled well. Unfortunately, most people handle these types of conversations poorly because our instincts tend to sabotage our effectiveness when we have opposing viewpoints, high emotions, or take part in high impact discussions.  We need skills to overcome those tendencies for better outcomes.

Those who master the skills in the Crucial Conversations book reap a number of very significant benefits.   Knowing how to implement crucial conversations can kick start your career; improve the operations of your organization; improve your personal and professional relationships; revitalize your family and community; and even improve your personal health.

There are eight steps outlined in the book to help you succeed in creating alignment and agreement by fostering open dialogue around high-stakes, emotional, or risky topics.  In my next post, I’ll discuss those steps in some detail—but I strongly urge you to buy the book and refer to it frequently, as I do.