Cross-Gender Coaching and Mentoring

If one embraces the premise “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, it stands to reason there are implications for coaching and mentoring new senior executives and those who aspire to be leaders in government. This has particular importance in the Department of Veterans Affairs. Women currently are a majority in executive development programs and key medical center leadership positions. For example, women made up 53% of the 2008 VHA Executive Career Field class and 57% of the 2010 class; and 55% of the 2011 VHA Healthcare Leadership Development class. In 2011, VHA Senior Management Conference attendees holding the positions of Director, Associate Director, Chief of Staff and Nurse Executive were 61% women.

In the past decade, VA has excelled at succession planning, steadily formalizing and growing coaching and mentoring programs for current and future executives. At last count, there were over 4,000 trained and certified Mentors. It may be the best such program in federal government.

The focus of this blog is the most typical cross-gender coaching pairing in VA: older male (coach) – younger female (coachee). Based on my experiences, an abbreviated literature review and input from several highly respected women executives in VHA, there are, in fact, cross-gender considerations. Coaches should be sensitive to gender. What are the considerations and possible approaches to bring most benefit to the experience?

Considerations of Women – while not all-inclusive and applicable in all cases, these are some fundamental considerations:

• Balancing Family and Career – Research suggests men tend to be “career primary” while many women strive to balance pursuing a career while being actively involved in raising children. This can be compounded when women are also dealing with aging parents. Reference is also made to women’s careers contending with the spouse’s job. Some women seek to advance and simultaneously carry the burden of child rearing. Some women wait until their children have graduated High School before accepting the mobility required for Senior Leadership development.
• Networking – women may experience lack of access to traditional informal male networking beyond the immediate job: attending sporting events, informal gatherings, weekend golf, etc. They may miss exposure to male Senior Leaders able to mentor and promote them.
• Leadership Style – At the risk of sounding stereotypical, men tend to be hierarchical, competitive, oriented to command and control, averse to showing vulnerability, motivated by power and money. Women, on the other hand, have been described as more collegial, willing to share power, nurturing, lacking a certain “killer instinct”, more communicative, less driven by power and more by service. Women new to executive positions have described being uncomfortable not knowing quite how they should act . . . like men? This is not to suggest women are in any way innately not “good enough” or lacking some fundamental temperaments (or skills) for success. VA is a shining example of successful women in leadership!
• Perceptions and Rumors – women express concern over feeling they must work harder than men for the same recognition, deal with rumors & gossip, and may be unnecessarily pampered or protected by male bosses. Research identifies the potential for physical attraction and potential romantic involvement in cross-gender coaching.

Coaching Approaches to Consider – while not all-inclusive, these are a few approaches that MAY be appropriately sensitive to gender:

• Trust and Affirmation – any coaching relationship must involve trust, be built on candor, respect, and awareness of the coachee’s situation. Whenever possible, a visit to her worksite early in the coaching relationship, and an honest discussion of gender barriers she may perceive is recommended. Coaching - male or female – is about understanding the individual, their needs, affirming your support and guiding them toward improvement. An atmosphere must be created where the coachee can truly be themselves around the coach.
• Leadership Style – consensus recommendation is encouraging women (or men) to simply “be themselves”, but be aware when more aggressively assigning deadlines, establishing firm parameters and accountability is needed. I sometimes suggest experimenting with various leadership approaches and find an experienced female secondary coach with a track record of accomplishment (they abound in VA). Recommending a course such as “Crucial Conversations” or “Dealing with Difficult People” is helpful in many cases if confrontation is a weakness.
• Tailoring – caution should be employed to avoid advising women to “just do what I did”. A better approach is jointly identifying options, possible adverse consequences and likely outcomes. It may be useful to recommend your trusted sources of expertise and make introductions.
• Realism – a coach has a duty to clearly point out where the coachee’s career advancement expectations may be unrealistic or where she is vulnerable to failure due to insufficient expertise or poor leadership fundamentals. Trust, candor, and respect are the foundation for well-planned conversations when things are not going well.

I hope some of what is written above may apply in specific cross-gender coaching situations. Increasingly, women will occupy positions of senior leadership in VA. Coaching and mentoring is a time-honored tradition helping to ensure their success in a demanding environment. Sensitivity to gender may be an important element.

Al Perry, MPA ,MHA, FACHE

Senior Associate, Sinclair Advisory Group

Al Perry retired from the VA in April 2012, after 40 years of service including 17 as a
Medical Denter Director.  He received the “2010 VHA Certified Mentor-of-the-Year” award.